Don't Take It Personally

Don't take it personally that I am angry at you today. After all, you and I have started to make a real connection. I thought we had a bond! An understanding! You listen to me, you do as I ask, and you give me what I need. We have spent days being around one another. When we first met, I could tell you were nervous. So was I. You didn't act the way I would expect you to act. You started testing me. You did things with me that you haven't done with anybody else. You kept changing the way you behaved... the way you acted... they way you reacted to me.

To tell you the truth, you frustrated me. I wasn't sure what to expect from you. Sometimes you were painfully consistent, and other times you just seemed to turn on a dime. It was a rocky start, that is for sure. I am sure there were plenty of moments where you just wanted to go home. I wanted to go home, too.

I wasn't sure things were going to work between you and I. But then it started to change. You started to trust me. And I saw something in you. Something sure. Something stable. And something told me that things were going to be okay. We started to work together more and more. You were doing your best work, and I was doing mine. It was coming together. We were becoming a team... and I liked it. You even started hugging me and seeking me out. Remember playing "squish" on the couch? That was great! We felt close.

I know you didn't feel good this morning. I didn't either. Maybe it was the lack of sunshine for the past week. Maybe you didn't sleep well last night. Who knows what you had on your mind. But we were both there to do our jobs. We went to play with the PE coach, and that seemed okay. When we got tired we decided to hang out together by the bleachers. Just a breather... a moment to slow down and begin again. It was nice standing there, just you and I. Then it was time to go back to the classroom.

And that is when things changed. You didn't want to work with me. Did I do something wrong? You wouldn't even look at me! I tried to get your attention. I tried everything in my power to make you see me and to make you want to work with me. But you wouldn't give me the time of day. Do you have any idea how incredibly frustrating that is? To so desperately want somebody's attention and to know that they won't even look at you? You left me! And I was angry. Really angry. And I had to resort to something spectacular to get your attention. Don't take it personally, I just wanted you to see me! I trusted you! I trusted that you would be my friend, and wouldn't leave me. Even if we do frustrate each other.

So I kicked you.
Hard.

Don't take it personally. You are my teacher. And even though you frustrate me, I just want you to see me. I just want to learn from you. I wasn't trying to hurt you. I just wanted you to notice that I was here, wanting your attention.

Don't take it personally.

The School Year in Review

This has been an interesting year in so many respects! It has been fantastic, exhausting, and very productive. I cannot tell you the difference between my first year of teaching and this year. This year I have found my sea legs and have sailed ahead on course, ready to weather any storms that may have come my way. I have managed to avoid scurvy (swine flu), pirate attacks (other professionals that are more harmful than helpful), and have only been off course a few times. Thank goodness I have had a wonderful crew to help me along the way... couldn't have done it without my fabulous aides, my great administrators, my fellow teachers and my special ed team (you know who you are!). I have truly been blessed this year. But that being said, I am ready to dock this ship and head for the beach for some much needed rest and relaxation!

This year has been filled with some great academic successes for my friends. I have seen such growth in all of my students, and I am incredibly proud. It has been fun watching them grow older over the last two years. I feel such an ownership over their lives and their being. They are truly a part of my soul. So when they succeed, it makes me glow all over. One student has continued to develop learning to read, and is beginning the process of using a picture communication system at school and at home. One student surprises me with their ability to take any task I give them and soak it in like a sponge. I am always surprised at the depth of knowledge that they exhibit even though their disability sometimes hides that knowledge from the rest of the world. But I know they are in there! My third student has had amazing growth. They have learned to do several tasks with full independence and confidence. They are working to express themselves more and more every day. And they have become part of the school community in such a wonderful way. I love seeing them seamlessly fit in with the other kids, and how the other kids accept and desire them to be a part of their play, their class, and their circle of friends. Last, I received a new student just a couple of weeks ago. This friend is amazing and wonderful and has so much to offer. They try so hard at everything they do, and really give full effort. This student has an amazing creative mind, and shows it in their work. But the most heartwarming thing that has happened since their arrival has been that they were able to go on the first successful field trip of their school career. And this child is well into elementary school! I feel so honored to have been able to help facilitate that experience for them. And so glad to have them as part of my family!

Of course, there have also been the fun parts of the year that were not related to academics. I will finish this entry with a list of the best of those times. The school year is rapidly coming to a close, and I am ready! But I will also miss these good times the most.

• Watching my student’s love of horses manifest itself when they just ran up and jumped on a horse at a field trip...
• Sitting by our “ocean” at field day and watching the world go by!
• Playing “don’t erase my spelling words” with my student....
• Having pop tarts, Scooby snacks, popcorn and “donuts” every day (or else!)...
• Going to Sharkarosa Ranch with my kids and watching them pet the animals. And personally being licked by a camel.
• Watching my student slowly work through the fear of the vacuum cleaner....
• Seeing a student communicate their wants effectively with their parent for the first time....
• Feeding the giraffes at the zoo. My kids didn’t like it, but I thought it was absolutely awesome!
• Putting together countless puzzles with the aides in my room. I thought we would NEVER finish that freakin’ monkey!
• Manicure time with my girl, complete with Disney Princess nail polish...
• Charlie Brown and Veggie Tales!
• Giving out squishes and tickles and spinning chairs...
• Hearing my student belt out Baby Bumblebee and Chase the Squirrel...
• My aide’s random and incorrect lyrics to all of our music....
• Seeing my aide’s gift of helping children in crisis throughout our campus...
• Knowing I have so much more I could add to this list! Maybe I will save it for another post. Until then...


Yes... I realize most of this entry is written with pronouns that are plural and not singular! That is to protect the privacy of my students. And to drive all of you grammar nuts insane!

Picture credit: Thank you Ucumari!

Blogspot versus Facebook

It has been a LONG while since I have updated this blog, so I figured it was time! I must admit, Facebook has taken precedence over blogging lately. There is something refreshing about only posting a sentence or two about my life to a group of "friends" as opposed to posting a long personal narrative to a group of strangers. However, blogging does offer me a small measure of anonymity that I enjoy. If you know who I am, you most likely know most of this stuff about me already! But if you don't, then I don't have to worry about discovering your reactions to my random musings or my heart wrenching diatribes. Both online mediums have their value. Unfortunately I have neglected my first love, my blog.

I often find myself composing things for this blog in my head. It is like a virtual journal for me. However, most of what I am thinking never makes it on paper (or as it is, on the computer screen). As the writer I grieve those losses more, because those trains of thought never see the light of existence. It seems so therapeutic to give form to the things bouncing around in my mind, yet I never make it to the computer to do it. I have often thought of making it a permanent habit of blogging at least once a week, but forced writing never seems to work for me. So I will leave things as they are... and make updates only when I truly feel there is something fit for print. Or when I am bored. Either reason will work!

Until then, if you know me and want to see what I am up to on a daily basis, look me up on FB. If you don't know me and feel an insane urge to follow (read: stalk! LOL) me, comment and let me know who you are. If you don't look too scary we can be friends on FB.

See ya when I see ya!

Tonight has been a night of indulgences. First, I indulged in the company of good friends and workmates. We met after school, solved the world's problems (LOL!), then went to dinner at Babe's. It was fabulous, to say the least! Good, old fashioned cooking and lots of good conversation are the recipe for all the wrong in this world. I feel much more positive and much calmer having spent the evening with these incredible women.

The second indulgence has been in remembering the past. My friend let me borrow an old video camera, since mine is broken. Tonight I looked at videos of my daughter as a baby and a toddler, as well as of my late husband and late step-father. I can't tell you how wonderful it was to hear/see those men again. I miss them being in my life, and can't help but feel the world isn't as good of a place in their absence. It has been fun to dive into those old memories and bring back that time in my life.

That being said... I was between 30 and 40 lbs heavier back then. I can't say I miss that at all! So some things are worse, but some things are better. (smile)

As much as I detest to admit that I am affected by a Hallmark holiday, I must confess that I find myself in an altered state of mind as of late. It is frustrating. Infuriating. And downright illogical.

There are so many things in my life that are wonderful and fulfilling. I have so much to be thankful for, and so many things that fill my voids, pour into my corners, and complete my being. But there is still one dark space that I uncover at the most unfortunate of times. One empty space. He is missing.

And though there are times where I cannot remember the sound of his voice or his laugh, or bring to mind the shape of his face or the color of his eyes, I still find myself looking for him on days like today. On the days where our psyche seems to tell us that everybody is with someone and everybody is in a relationship, the lack of his presence looms palpably next to me. So I find myself asking... is it the feeling of missing him specifically, or simply loneliness which is easily blamed on his shadow?

I am not sure which of the two phenomenon I am currently experiencing, but either one is unsettling. In the first scenario, I am still intensely missing someone who has been gone for nearly six years. I miss him to the point that I feel anxiety. That I am unsettled. That I am distracted from reality. But the alternative is just as scary. I should not have this level of loneliness. My life is filled with an incredible family and great friends that are as close to me as any of my relatives. I have the unyielding love of my daughter. My life is filled with such wonder. And yet, with all of these incredible aspects to my life, I can still drive myself to the point of tears when I think about what I do not have. And I blame the feeling on the ghost of the person I have lost. So which is it? Do I miss him, or the feeling of having someone like him?

Either way, this feeling... this shadow... this cognition of something being missing is not a pleasant thing to feel on days like today. Tomorrow is just a regular day, and I am sure the sunshine will chase the shadows away. But for tonight, I just needed to be allowed to look into the darkness.

16 Things

1. I love my kids, both the one I gave birth to and the ones I teach.
2. Music moves my world. Life is boring without a soundtrack. Therefore, I am always singing. I can't help myself. Frustrated wanna-be percussionist that will someday take lessons so I can move beyond Rockband.
3. I frequently suffer from paralysis by analysis.
4. Five minutes from now I won't remember what you look like. Or what you were wearing. But I will never forget your voice.
5. I love to indulge my intellect with useless pursuits. I am the biggest geek in the world. Really.
6. Documentaries are like brain candy to me.
7. Movies are more fun when you read them. And when you have a big box of Milk Duds.
8. Very tactilly driven and reinforced.
9. Plaid shoes make the outfit. The uglier the better. I have a penchant for weird footwear.
10. I forget dates. Especially important ones. If I can't remember my own daughter's birthday, I won't remember yours. However, I have a freakish gift for memorizing numbers such as phone numbers, credit card numbers, etc.
11. I secretly hope to be noticed, but am deathly afraid of being seen. I have never, ever made the first move. I am gripped by overwhelming shyness. Don't let my outgoing side fool you! It has been cultivated through years of practice. : )
12. I love thunderstorms.
13. I am afraid of the open end of the pillow case. And used air. Please don't blow in my face!
14. I would rather read magazines than books.
15. I still dance. Constantly. Not often in public, unless I am with a group of friends and under the influence of fabulous music.
16. I work really hard to be a good mom. And a cool mom. Those two do not always coexist.

Update

I was told I needed to give an update. Well... I am right where every other teacher is this time of year. Slightly rejuvenated after the Thanksgiving holiday, but all the more ready for Christmas to get here. I am under the weather, tired, and in need of a few more days of rest.

That being said, the classroom is still a rewarding place to be. As the picture above will show, I have a friend that is so intent on understanding and using words that she creates flash cards during her free time. She could be doing anything else, but instead she re-creates her reading lessons. Nothing is more fun to watch. Or more rewarding.

Given my sour attitude right now, I will leave all of you with that picture. With that thought. I put some of those cards in my wallet, just so I can remind myself why I do what I do when I am too tired for words. They make me smile every time I see them.

Spinning

Life is quite busy these days. My head is constantly spinning, either as a result of too much to think about or too little sleep or a combination of the two. Regardless of the root cause of the problem, I find myself stretched rather thin. Therefore, I have not been writing.

I want desperately to put away my career life and do some thinking on things that actually amuse me. My current fascinations? The economy, neurophysiology, and my teenager's life (because it is so friggin' fascinating these days!). I want to read for fun again... and more than just a few words before bed. The weather has turned colder, and nothing would please me more than to call in sick, curl up in bed, and inhale a good book. However, I would feel really, really, really guilty if I did that.

Need to get ahead at work so I can simply live this weekend. No lesson planning, no grading, no worries. Must get organized. Must become motivated. Must SLEEP.

Okay, enough whining! To bed... to bed!!!

Picture Credit...